Dear Mom....

My Mom and Mason at his 14th birthday party, we had just moved back to Washington.

Dear Mom,

I have written you notes since I was a kid…it was an easy way to ask for something, or tell you something, that I thought maybe I could not get out with my voice…so I thought I would write you a note today.   It’s been five years today, since you slipped away from us…your face so peaceful, I will never forget it. 

I cannot put into words very well, how much I have missed you….every time the phone rings, I still hope it is you.  Dad has done a wonderful job of supporting me…it is really amazing, and I think you would be proud.  If there is any silver lining to losing you, it is that I really got to know my dad. 

Every special occasion feels a little bittersweet….Mason and Elliott’s graduations, Mason and Arrielle getting married…..can you believe Mace and Arrielle are going to have a baby???  You were so right, being a grandma is going to be incredible.  I guess I did not realize how much I really wanted a grandbaby.  I feel you with me when I think of this baby….remembering how you were with me every step of the way when Mason was on the way.  I remember giggling during childbirth classes…it was the same giggle that got us in trouble at one of your chemo appointments. 

I follow traditions you and I had….reading the new Richard Paul Evans book in December, I have it on my nightstand, and I will start it tonight….I know it will make me cry…they always do.  Snickerdoodles, following Eunice’s recipe are on my to do list for next week….they never last long, even with one less person in the house…they never make it until Santa comes.  Your Santa adorns my tree, perched up towards the top….I smile when I see it.  I have been slacking on my Christmas spirit the last few years…finding it hard without you…but it has come back and this year all I want is to feel the joy and excitement that Christmas brings.   I know it is not about the gifts under the tree, but more about the gifts I give with my heart and the memories we make.

You are my Christmas angel….and I feel you with me this year, and I thank you for that gift…it is all I have ever wanted the last 5 years.  I love you Mom….more than I can adequately express, and I miss you every moment.

Always,

J