Tomorrow, February 20th would have been my Mom's 67th birthday.
I searched my computer for a photo I had not posted before...and I found this one. This photo was taken in November 1984...and my parents smiles are totally fake. Not because they did not want to take the picture...it is because their barely 18 year old daughter was getting married that day. We all know how that turned out....but every heartache leads you somewhere and that heart break lead me to Lee. I would do it all over again.
When I look at this picture.....it is clear to me how supportive my Mom was of everything I did. Even the stupid stuff, I know she did not like some of the things I did, but I always knew she was there to catch me when I fell. Parents always say, I am doing this for your own good...and when you hear it...it just sounds like bullshit...but when I became the parent of teens...it all made sense. Sure, I would love to make all the decisions for the boys, to keep them with me, to always know they are safe and to protect them from heartache....but what would I accomplish....NOTHING! Mason will likely marry this year...and when he and Arrielle first talked about it...I kinda freaked out a little, it took me a while to remember that my parents freaked out a little too. Parents just want their kids to be happy. A parent will do anything to see joy on their child's face. Just as my parents did on this day way back when.
If I was home...in Washington, I would make my family gather together...and we would do like we have every year since my mom passed away...we would go to her favorite place to eat..Azteca...and Dad would eat her favorite meal, Chile Verde and we would have margarita's. I would always tear up, as we raised our glasses in my Mom's honor. I miss her, and in some ways I started this blog for her...because I could not keep what I was feeling inside...had to get some of it out, and this blog gave me a way of talking to my mom without seeming like I was talking to myself...does that makes sense???
So, I always wonder what I would do if I got one more day with my Mom. What would I want to do....and when I think about it, it is not so much a day that I desire, it is moments. I wish I would have told my mom that we were coming home to Seattle differently...instead I made it seem like it was the worst thing ever and I hurt her. I believe now that fate sent me there...hind sight is always 20/20. I would love to sit in the car with her again..with her driving...I do not even care where. I would love to share a double cheeseburger from McDonald's. Just five minutes of sitting at the kitchen table....would be wonderful. Online and in real life, I hear people complain about their mom's...how awful they are, that they are bitchy (yeah, I will admit my mom was pretty bitchy), this and that.....and I always think to myself...you are going to miss all this someday.
I do miss you Mom, every moment.................
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